Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
