he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
