M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
