If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
