Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
