Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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