Apparently you make a good broom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
