so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
