I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't