So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
