Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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