I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
