My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
