Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
