so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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