did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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