people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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