U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
