He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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