grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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