I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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