I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
