"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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