he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
