Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
