Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
