mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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