How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I need moral support for this bender
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
