My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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