Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
