i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
