i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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