i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
