fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
