Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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