I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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