Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
