remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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