I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Boobs are out for the taking
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Please don't give away my fajitas
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
