I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
