He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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