Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
