OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he thought i was a dude.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
