Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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