Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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