The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.