i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch