Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
