Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
