She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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