Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
