at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
