Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
